I know what you’re thinking: Where has Riz been lately? The pictures below will honestly attempt to answer that question.

My ears were desecrated last Friday. My colleagues at ENVY Magazine were celebrating the big 2 year anniversary/issue release party for ENVY issue #23 (which your boy heartily contributed to). I’m more of a once-in-a-green-moon partier than a club addict because i don’t like the idea of being shot at. Besides, I never really understand what everybody seems to be celebrating at parties.

Anyway, some of you know that there’s this one song that I’ve heard so many evil things about that I swore to never put myself in a position where I’d have to listen to it. While listening to urban radio, I often pray for God to replace the said song with some horrendous snap music instead of subjecting me to the evil-ness of that one song. Well, you can plan a pretty picnic, as they say, but you can’t predict the weather.

At first, it sounded like something from the 80’s before it finally struck me that the DJ had just started spinning the tabboolicious waste of studio time that is My Humps! I came close to dying.

Real partiers

D & D

That’s C.C. and um, Tipsy, yes?

Metal Finger Riz (honestly i don’t even remember striking that pose)

the booty-checker

i

We know through painful experience that freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed. Frankly I have never yet engaged in a direct action movement that was “well timed,” according to the timetable of those who have not suffered unduly from the disease of segregation. For years now I have heard the word “Wait!” It rings in the ear of every Negro with a piercing familiarity. This “wait” has almost always meant “never.” We must come to see with the distinguished jurist of yesterday that “justice too long delayed is justice denied.” - MLK

After reading Low-Key’s All Hip Hop interview with Lil’ Wayne, it dawned on me how much trite gangsterisms has distorted the Rap game. Drawing the line between records and reality seems to be more challenging than advanced calculus for some of these rappers. Granted, Weezy made a solid, albeit overrated, album lazily-titled Tha Carter II, but that barely gives him the license to run off the mouth like a chick demanding back payments on child support.

Birdman jr. seems to take this whole “Shooter” thing a little more seriously than Robin Thicke, threatening to drop Juvenile and adorn another tattoo tear in jubilation. But when asked about 50’s Katrina comments, Weezy preferred not to speak up against Mr. Interscope, since it might be deleterious to his career (a la Ja Rule). C’mon man.

I liked your album, dawg. Just leave that other BS in the trunk.

Highlights of the interview:

• Clearly admits to biting Jay-Z’s delivery and style
• Says F…k B.G., Juvenile, Mannie Fresh
• Wants no beef with 50 Cent for backing the government on the New Orleans debacle
• Discredits Andre 3000 as a co-pioneer of southern lyricism
• Gives props to UGK and Scarface for anchoring the southern rap movement

Cassidy - Cassidy Anthem (mp3)
Factoids: Length - 4:16/Album - Unknown (Full Surface/J)

Cassidy is like Joe Budden’s Hip Hop cousin. Both have great enough potential to be mentioned among the avant garde of Hip Hop, but are not. Both always seem to restrict their most adorable joints to the mixtape circuit, while their albums suffer from unecessary attempts to please all.

“Cassidy Anthem” is a thin-veiled evidence of the ever-flowing street poetic juices that Swizz Beatz’ protege seems to never run out of. Once you get past the insipid hook (”Who da sickest in the game, man(Cassidy!)/Who be flippin’ on the ‘caine, man (Cassidy)”); corny metaphors (”I see you n****s sweet like Hi-C”), and redundant script (”I was wild as a child, and got worse at ten”), you’ll get to enjoy the abrasive and truly anthemic banger.

Now if that alleged murder accusation doesn’t help Cassidy’s album sales, nothing else will.

One of my homeboys called me up to warn me that Bizarre was on Celebrity Fit Club 3, just in case I had planned on doing some channel hopping lest i come across the yawn-inducing show. Unfortunately, I forgot what channel my cable provider had marked down as VH-1 and eventually stumbled on the show (on my way to Discovery Channel) and its B-rate celebri…(wait! Bizarre is a celebrity?). Based on what? His position as Eminem’s sidekicks’ sidekick or his styrofoam-certified Hanni Cap Circus album?

The highlight of the show to me was former Moesha and The Parkers actress Countess Vaughn who admitted on getting some implants “to help her butt”. I don’t know much about plastic surgery(except that it’s whatever makes Michael Jackson look like a character in Zombie) but c’mon lie to me, Countess! Lie to me! Tell me it was liposuction. Butt implants for a young black female? That’s only going to make you the butt of all jokes from here on.

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