The Chris Brown/Rihanna saga is a gift that just keeps giving. In case you’ve been living in a cave for the past 48 hours, the couple got into a heated altercation after leaving a Clive Davis pre-Grammy party Saturday night. No one knows exactly what instigated the fight. Some say Rihanna gave Chris Brown herpes. Allegedly. Others say Brown was screwing around, so Rihanna went ballistic on him. Only one thing is certain at this point: the fight left Rih Rih with two huge contusions, several bite marks, a bloodied lip, a busted nose, and a massive beatdown. MMA style. When police arrived at the scene, Chris Brown was gone. He later turned himself in to LAPD, and then posted a $50,000 bail. For more on the boring details, here’s the police report [pdf].

Poor Chris. He’s no longer the squeaky clean 19-year old America thought he was. Wrigley has already dropped his ass from their ad campaign, not necessarily because they care about Rihanna but because women are not likely to buy bubblegum from a woman beater. Expect other companies to follow suit. C.B. is america’s sweety pie no more. The big questions is: who are all those pre-pubescent high school girls going to turn to for romantic ballads now? I guess that just leaves R.Kelly to tickle their fancy?

Seriously, I won’t pass judgment on C. Breezy for whatever happened that night, because there are usually three sides to a story — your side, my side, and the truth. That said, there’s no excuse for beating up on a woman. Ever. And for that reason alone, Chris Brown may want to hire some extra bodyguards. Here are 5 reasons why C.B. may need a neck brace ASAP.

5. Inmates:
Word has it that Chris Brown may end up behind bars for the alleged beatdown on Rih Rih. All those inmates who make it through each day by daydreaming about Rihanna won’t find it funny that Chris Breezy has turned their crush into a human specimen of cannibalism. If CB ends up in the pen without, he better ask for protective custody. If not, inmates will line up and take turns kicking his ass.

4. Bajan Bullies
Chris Brown can forget about ever performing or vacationing in Barbados. For life. If he does, he’ll probably come up missing. Bumbaclot!

3. The-Dream
The-Dream, famous for co-writing Rihanna’s “Umbrella,” once joked about snatching Rihanna from Chris Brown. Now he’ll just have to snap Breezy’s neck in two before snatching his girl. If that happened, it would be the greatest Valentine’s gift to the media.

2. The Fenty Brothers
Rihanna has two brothers, Rorrey and Rajad Fenty. Needless to say, they won’t be buying Chris Brown’s new album. More importantly, the Fenty brothers are probably scheming on how to castrate C.B. if they ever lay eyes on him again.

1. Jay-Z
Wait till Jay-Z see the contusions and bite marks on Rihanna’s face. Jigga discovered and signed Rihanna to her Def Jam deal. He talks about Rih Rih like she’s his property, so imagine what he’s going to do to Chris Brown. Someone better go check on Chris Brown to make sure he’s not dangling from a rooftop right now.