I’ve been drinking Red Bull Cola lately, because I’m broker than Sean Price and can’t afford the real deal. Well, the Germans are now saying that they’ve found traces of cocaine in Red Bull Cola. I’m sorry, what? Does this mean I’m coked up? Let’s investigate.

Sez the old reliables at BBC:

The authorities in six German states have ordered retailers to stop selling Red Bull Cola energy drinks after traces of cocaine were found in it.

Red Bull says b-b-ut it’s only a small trace:

“Decocainized coca leaf extracts are used as flavoring in food products around the world and are considered to be safe,” Red Bull said in a statement Tuesday. It cited a Food and Drug Administration code that lists de-cocainized coca leaf as a safe, natural extractive.”

Eh, isn’t that like saying it’s coffee but de-caffeinated coffee? Germany isn’t buying it. They’ve already started clearing their shelves and a ban is in order.

Meanwhile, the Bolivians are laughing their asses off:

Bolivians have tried to get the world to understand that the leaf is not a drug if it’s not put through the extensive chemical process that yields cocaine.

Bottom line: The amount of cocaina in Red Bull Cola is harmless. You can’t fail a drug test by drinking these things. Well, unless you drink thousands of them, in which case you’ll probably fail at everything. Now if only they can figure out why it tastes like dog shit.