Detox, Dr. Dre’s long-gestating comeback album, has been pushed back so much that it’s now more of a musical enigma than an album. We here at The Rap Up wanted to give our readers a Nostradamus-type list of the 12 events we believe will occur before The Good Dr. deems Detox fit enough for consumption. Through extensive research, watching hours upon hours of Quantum Leap to determine if in parallel universes Dr. Dre does indeed release the album, and a massive effort on behalf of all the professional psychics we contracted to search the cosmos for signs (over 10,000 crystal-ball-hours logged) we were able to determine the signs of the Detoxalypse.

12. Another Detox reference-track leaks with the following lyrics from T.I.: “Blogs thinking they cool with reference tracks leaking/ But the web keeps buzzing and it’s MY name they speaking (DRE!).”

11. A drunk Jayceon Taylor is rushed to the hospital after collapsing on stage in Ireland were doctors and bloggers alike discover no alcohol in his blood, only iced tea..

10. Lil Wayne announces Tha Carter 4.5 but first decides to release an auto-tuned dancehall/reggae album titled The Redefining.

9. After Meth and Ghostface (these two are for real, by the way) Raekwon will pen a comic book as well, entitled ‘Lex Diamonds: The Purple Book Vol.1′ followed by RZA who announces ‘Fatal Flying Monk of Shaolin Legend – Blood Moon Rising’. Beef seems to arise over who’s book is harder but it gets publicly squashed in an attempt to show unity after Inspectah Deck gets decked by Joe Budden at the San Diego Comic Con.

8. Madlib will add another 42 names to his list of aliases including ‘Omegah Jackson & The Seven Seals Jazz Armageddon Orchestra.’

7. Rakim releases The Seventh Seal. Well hey, we’re making progress now!

6. Blackout! 3 is released. Meth and Red perform at Rock The Bells together to promote the album but take hits of oxygen in between songs and sleep through the rest of the show.

5. 50 decides G-Unit needs an overhaul, so he recruits 5 new members: Fat Joe, Jadakiss, Cam’ron, Nas, and John McCain.

4. B.o.B. or Bobby Ray or whatever he’s calling himself these days uses another stage name, The B.O.B. Hatter.

3. The Game takes on Bow Wow again in Madden and whoops his ass  – this time for a total of $2 million.

2. Joan Rivers has 2 more face lifts. Just “freshening” up a tad.

1. Jay-Z and Beyonce have their 1st daughter and name her Brooklyn.

[Prophetic commentary by: Andrew, Jaap, and Rizoh] [Wu-Tang Illustration by Chad Trutt]